Are you ever in a conversation or meeting where no one seems to be listening to one another? Do you start losing interest and trust, or feel irritated when listening breaks down? What you usually end up with is a lot of people talking - sometimes bickering non-stop - and no one listening. Then the adversarial, combative relationships emerge.

Solution? We are given two ears and one mouth. We ought to use them accordingly—listen more and speak less. Listening is perhaps the most difficult of all communication skills to master. In school, we are all taught verbal and writing skills at a very early age. But very few of us receive any formal education or training in listening.

Several years ago I was invited to participate in a Native American council. The experience had an enormous impact upon me. I was given a beautifully carved Indian Talking Stick and taught of its power and use. In a gathering or council, each person waits their turn to receive the Indian Talking Stick, which allows them to speak their heart and mind. Only one person possesses the stick at one time, and except for clarifying questions, only the person holding the stick may speak. That person holds on to the stick until they have made their point and, even more significantly, until they feel understood.

What I learned that day was a powerful yet simple method for genuine listening. The person holding the Indian Talking Stick is assured that no one will interrupt or contradict them. Those without the stick are challenged to listen with empathy -- to seek to understand first, then to be understood -- knowing that their turn to hold the stick is forthcoming.

To build trust and integrity, people must listen to one another and truly seek understanding. Empathic listening is the key to reaching true understanding. It does not mean that you agree with a person -- it simply means that you try to understand the feeling and information being communicated within the other person's frame of reference. From this vantage point, you are able to seek to clarify the person's thoughts or feelings for better understanding. You are able to sincerely say: “Help me understand your situation.”

This type of listening requires that the listener check his ego in at the door. But once a person is given the respect of being listened to and sees that someone is genuinely trying to understand him, walls begin to crumble, doors open up, and effective communication and influence can take place. All human beings yearn to be understood. The need to be understood is as basic as the need for oxygen. Simply put, when we seek to understand someone we give them emotional oxygen that in turn enables them to reciprocate.

Remember the Indian Talking Stick the next time you are in a conversation or meeting, whether with one person or several people. Invite everyone to use an “Indian Talking Stick” and pass it from person to person. Visualise the stick or substitute a pen or other object for the stick. At first, you may find it hard not to interrupt and project your point of view. But you can train yourself to listen better. This may feel awkward at first, but with practice it can be learned effectively, and you will find greater results.

“Seek first to understand” involves a profound paradigm shift because we typically seek to be understood first. Most of us do not listen with intent to understand; we listen with the intent to reply. How often do you find yourself preparing your next response in a conversation, rather than listening to the person who is speaking to you? In addition, we tend to filter what we hear through our own paradigms and project our own feelings, thoughts and experiences onto others.

Empathic listening attempts to get inside another person's frame of reference. You try to see another person's perspective, and you try to get to their emotional and intellectual messages. It takes much more than registering, reflecting, or even understanding the words being said. Communication experts estimate in fact, that only 10 percent of our communication is represented in words alone. Another 30% is represented by our sounds, and 60% by our body language. In empathic listening, you listen with your ears, your eyes and your heart. You listen for feeling as well as for meaning. You use your right brain as well as your left.

When negotiating with the British, Gandhi regularly practiced a vow of silence. For 24 hours straight, he would abstain from speaking a word. He used his ears, eyes and heart during this time to listen to others. And equally important, Gandhi was able to hear his own heart, mind and spirit during this silence.

I challenge you to pay attention to the way you listen, to seek first to understand then to be understood. In doing so, you will find greater opportunities for open, honest and trustworthy communication, which will lead to remarkable opportunities for genuine understanding, influence and cooperation.